work in progress

"everyday is the same," he says to me
i leisurely stroll till i find the perfect shade of a tree
i eat what i want and i drink what i drink
put quite simply - it's boring me

the caterpillar faces me again with a glistening eye
"but you," he says, "you men must know how to fly
you race with your cars and you speed through your day
there's so much to do, it's no work and all play

how does it feel to keep your feet off the ground?
it must be fun to never have to slow down

never done this before.

tonight, i got inspired. not really inspired, just inspired to get inspired. thanks to the world wide web, i enjoyed the beauty of the world, alone in my room at midnight - looked at pictures of some friends getting engaged; read the words of a friends who has spent much of her time in africa, and is so thankful for God's grace; listened to a story on npr about an indian man who loves to sing bob dylan songs; learned about sufjan steven's name; heard about the struggle of a musician in releasing a controversial album...and more, getting lost in the connections that are addictive.

in my short lifetime, i already feel i have lost some...things. i don't know what to call it - personality traits, neuroanatomical access, parts of self. i just remember 5th grade being part of the "creative class," the g/t kids that were marked by their imagination. i feel like my creativity has definitely been part of my academic success, i have worked hard, etc. but tonight i don't feel like it comes easy lately. i don't draw anymore, really anything except the occasional tree in my journal; i don't write poetry anymore, don't take the time; it's always been hard for me to write songs, too perfectionist; and i just haven't been creating much outside of academia for a long time. earlier this evening, i was soaked in 30 rock for a few hours out of laze - which is definitely a good kind of mindlessness, don't get me wrong :)

my point - creation is different when there is felt purpose in it. i write in my journal often, but it is such a private practice, that i wonder if my wondering will look differently here, solely because of the fact that it is available to others for their reading enjoyment. maybe i won't be so lazy in dreaming, in naming my dreams, my gifts, the gifts given to those around me. maybe i will develop the gift in expressing my true self, and knowing that more as beloved daughter. hope for authenticity.

so, i secretly saw the beauty of life tonight - through other people, but by myself. i feel the freedom and desire to create this blog, to try to create again. i think this is a good start for tonight.