trying to make the moments last

"the avalanche" (listen to it with headphones, only!) by sufjan stevens is an important song to me. the album it is on came out while i was studying abroad in costa rica. and since i was old-schooling it for four months with a portable compact disc player, tyler sent the cd to me in the mail, just in time for me to take it on a bus trip with sara to puerto viejo on the east coast. it was a peaceful weekend, and a beautiful ride, largely because of the jungle passing me by, but also because of this song, which i fell in love with. consequently i listened to it a lot during my time in CR. now when i hear this song, i am reminded of the beauty i experienced there...in nature, with clouds and oceans and mountains and greens and flowers, and also in the moments when i felt deep Comfort, which were poignant and weighty during a semester that was much a solitary and piercing time.

"come on, stone, come on, star
come on, snow, come on, car
come on, hand, come on, feet
come on, face, come on, street
come on, state, come on, song
move it fast (take it up), move it along (the ohio river)
come on, life (take it up), come on, lord (take it ever)
make it right (to the mississippi), make it yours."

these days i am filled with deep, deep longings. my prayers seem endless...for my patients, for my family and my new nephew, for my purpose here, for new friends, for my community in lawrence, for my roommate, for my music, for the world and its people. and this is a difficult time in life right now...i am often reminded of my unworthiness, my weakness and humanity.

tonight, i got to sit outside by our pool and read by the light of my headlamp. there was a cool breeze that made it perfect shorts and t-shirt weather. and the sky above was covered in clouds...gray canopies under a black sky, the occasional star peeking out. listening to this song, among others, i was reminded of the simple beauty surrounding me, the gift, and of the comfort that rushes to my side when i am crying out. i felt like a child, imagining the stars winking at me, and telling God that i know You are with me. but my heart knows, feels no other Truth. and my prayers are easily continued with the song:

God, make it right; make it Yours.

there is so much Life around us...struggle and pain, weeping and questioning..victory and joy, singing and learning. would you make it all yours. would you help us live as those who have been brought from death to life, as those not under the law but under grace.

these moments help me remember. love to you all.

blog life does not represent real life.

so, a lot has happened since i last posted! time is definitely passing quickly...let's just really name it for what it is, though - i am just not great at blogging.

oh, well. there has been plenty going on in my life here to keep me busy. let's be organized about it, shall we?

new people:
so, since being here in houston, i've met quite a few people. at the beginning, i mostly met other teach for america people that katie knew from institute. it has been interesting getting to know them and hear about the craziness of inner city schools - and they are a fun bunch! particularly close are our neighbors, joe and brenan, who live in an apartment right across the parking lot. they are an amazing pair, so kind and warm, and i love when we get to share meals together every once in awhile. they are so easy to be around.

past that, it was really hard for awhile to find those social opportunities. i always knew it would be difficult out of college, but i just hadn't experienced it until now. plus, i have been part of an amazing community of friends for the past four years. however, it has slowly come our way, with some effort and some ease. katie and i have been attending worship services on sunday with a larger church called ecclesia, and trying out different small groups that happen during the week around town. one that we went to the past two weeks has felt the most like home for me so far. the first night we went, i found a people of whom many i immediately connected with and felt comfortable with. there is a structural element of these groups that has been different (in a hard way) than house church - namely that it is more bible study dialogue, and less prayer. for whatever reason, though, that was easier for me to get past with this group. i think that i have found some really cool people, and i have been joyously surprised to find that intimacy with others can happen rapidly - praise God! i am excited to see how these relationships further as katie and i get more settled into daily routines.

on top of that, i've made several attempts to throw myself into the music scene...whatever that means. i am just craving to play with others, for others, and to write more music. this is something i've needed...always wanted, for that matter. and, it's something i'm still figuring out. i got a last-minute opportunity to play at our saturday morning farmer's market a few weeks ago, and it was a blast - definitely felt like home (though with lots more sweating). i also played an open mike night with a hilarious group of middle-aged hippy musicians...i don't even need to tell you how amazing that was! haha. and though i didn't talk with derek webb when i saw him play a show (at ecclesia, for free!), i thought about it... right now, i just want to focus on writing more of my own stuff. i might even create a myspace sometime! oh goodness.

anyways, the blessings of new people abound, even if slowly. i am so grateful.

work:
speaking of new people, work is continually becoming a place where i feel comfortable, and particularly excited about the people i work with. my co-intern, marilyn, has been a huge blessing in just getting to experience the TIRR internship together. she is a riot. i also get to know more therapists, nurses, and staff each day, and love feeling solidarity and community with them. in particular there are two janitorial staff members that are the sole reason i am still getting the opportunity to speak spanish - i absolutely love them. and while i still experience some frustration with my supervision, i know that i am still learning a lot, and will be a good therapist when i leave.

a couple weeks into the internship, when things were still pretty hard, i decided it was time to start a practice of recounting the best parts of my day on my bus ride home. every few days or so now, i type into a notepad on my little ipod touch about blessings at work - big or small. most of them are about my patients, and the rapport i get to build with them, their personalities, their struggles and their gains. i have definitely felt the weight of my surroundings numerous times...for instance, this one 18 year old boy is still "locked in" [his body], meaning he is still not verbalizing much, though it's clear he is "in there" - when his personality gets to come out every so often in smiles and facial expressions. he got in a car accident, and is now rehabilitating all function - basic movement and strength, standing -for two minutes- without his blood pressure going whack, speaking/uttering noise, you name it. the thing is that his family is from louisiana, so they can only come visit him every other weekend. if i were in his place, i would definitely want my momma by my side every day! and, because of his limitations, he is not able to functionally socialize much with other peers in the hospital. i co-treat with speech therapy, trying to get him to functionally use a communication system or speak, but often i feel like my biggest service to him is just normalizing his environment - listening to li'l wayne and dancing goofy a little bit. anyways, his is just one of the many heartbreaking stories around me. but i cannot tell you how Glad i am, to get to be an advocate for them, to get to be part of their journey of healing. from an insider's perspective, it has been disheartening at times to realize that there are people within the hospital system that let their own issues get in the way of providing care that is in the best interest of the patient (but that's a story for another day)...i am sure there will be more as time passes! i love my patients.

old people:
not the elderly, but friends i already know and love from kansas! came and visited katie and i! last weekend! it was glorious, and SO needed.


(sorry, ker)

kerrie, nicole and jon drove (bless their hearts) 12 hours each way to stay with us for 3 days over the holiday. we ate great tex-mex, showed them the city and our respective work places, took them to the shops we frequent, swam/relaxed, and just enjoyed each other's company. it was a beautiful time, a purely Fun weekend, and even healing/rejuvinating in some ways. when they left, i felt a peace over my heart that i hadn't felt in awhile. thank you three for coming!

...

well, i think that's enough update for now. before i say nighty-night, i leave you with this thought: don't you think that the song "casimir pulaski day" by sufjan stevens is oddly reminiscent of the movie/book "a walk to remember" plotline(book by nicolas sparks, movie with mandy moore)??? man, 7th grade - i cried all four times i saw that movie. let me know your thoughts on this subject.

peace and love to you all.

the apartment!

i love our place. after a month of work on it (including a 2 week wait for our couch from IKEA - hate that place), it finally feels warm and home-y.

here's the room we share. my bed is the one that looks like a child's. kind of makes me feel small sometimes, but it works great, hah. notice the curtains we hung up, and the desk i made for myself on the right side :D

Here's the lovely living room - the homiest room, i think. Two couches, a red tapestry on one wall, a shelf we hung up on the other. AND, we have plants outside - basil, limes, peppers, mint(!)...so great.

Across from the living room - dining room and kitchen.

The kitchen! MAN, we have such a fully stocked kitchen. we could EASILY host community dinners here. if we had friends, haha :)

ok, well i don't know how to get this image to rotate, but this is my favorite cabinet of the kitchen. odd, i know, but it is so organized and match-y - a perfect example of our stocked-ness.

anyways, just a little tour of the place. feel free to visit us. you know you want to!

houston life: the job

SO -- just to clarify. i just moved to Houston, TX from Lawrence, KS in order to do my music therapy internship, which is required for my studies. i am working at TIRR (The Institute for Rehabilitation and Research) Memorial-Hermann Hospital, an inpatient rehab hospital within the Med Center for patients who have had Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI), Spinal Cord Injuries, Strokes, Amputations, or things of the sort. the patients i see every day may have deficits in motor skills, speech and language, and memory and orientation due to their injury and/or surgery. they all receive at least 3 hours of therapy - physical, occupational and speech-language - from a consistent therapist on a daily basis, and stay anywhere from a few weeks to a few years at the hospital. the music therapy department makes its own schedule, seeing whichever patients they determine during a given week, mostly in co-treat sessions with any of the above-listed therapists. right now, there are two music therapists on staff, and one other intern.

needless to say, it's been an intense three weeks already! there have been some joys about this internship, and some disappointments, but overall, it is music therapy, which means i love it. i was so eager to jump in there (even on day one) and work with patients. i love my patients; sometimes it is also very hard..most of their stories are just short of tragedies. but, it is truly amazing to see the strides they make on a daily basis.

so, just to describe what exactly it is that i am doing each day. i see anywhere from 2 to 10 patients in a day, ages adolescent to elderly, for half hour sessions each, typically. if i am treating in a physical or occupational therapy session, i am most often facilitating motor movement with any variety of instruments i have on my cart. for example, i might be playing guitar - typically a song that is preferred by the patient - to provide a rhythmic and/or spatial structure for upper and lower extremity movement (walking, reaching, bending, lifting, stretching, stepping, etc). another example is using the drums as a target to play - kicking it with their foot in a certain position, or reaching to play it with a mallet, across their midline, or at a certain distance away from them.

music therapy is a professional therapy because music affects the brain so uniquely - when you're participating in or listening to or making music, your whole brain is activated, not just a certain area - like the Broca's area for processing speech, for example. this means that a patient is often more engaged with therapy when the music is present, making progress more efficient. additionally, the rhythm of music is processed in the motor cortex of the brain, which means that a person can entrain to (or, follow) a beat without even really thinking about it. the brain's connection of rhythm and movement is a direct one, so it can bypass cognition (meaning that people with brain injuries, for example, can still process structure through music!). music therapy can also be used to elicit/improve speech, improve memory function, and decrease pain and anxiety (and these are just goals for the population I work with!). sometimes the addition of music to the therapeutic environment is immediate - one can see a significant change in the patient's progression towards therapeutic goals the moment the music is added - and sometimes music therapy works over a long period of training. anyways, this is why my profession exists - to know how music can be used therapeutically, and be able implement it uniquely with each individual patient. pretty sweet stuff.

so, that's my job. in the midst of treating, i am doing assessments, learning TONS of music (bah! texas country will be death of me. and hannah montana), and reading literature on my field and others (e.g. neuroscience). i am tired - getting used to the 40 hour work week, and being on my feet all that time. but it's getting better - i'm not napping at 5 every day anymore!

on a side note: i get to ride the bus to and from work every day, and i LOVE it. truly a joy during my work week, not only because it's air conditioned (unlike the public transportation in costa rica, por ejemplo), but it is peaceful, and there are cool people, and i enjoy listening to music and relaxing before and after my long day.

anyways, thanks for all your warm thoughts for me. come visit me if you want to know more about my wonderful profession! or just ask me, i guess. but visiting is much better :) love and peace

pray for me

love is patient
love is kind

love is not
envious
or boastful
or arrogant
or rude

love does not insist on
its own way

love is not irritable or resentful

love does not rejoice in wrongdoing,
but rejoices in
the truth

love bears all things

believes all things

hopes all things

endures all things

.

a belated goodbye

(I started this post over a month ago, and never finished it. But it's very pertinent tonight, especially, for me, and I need to finish what I have to say. Here goes.)

So, since I've only posted once in over three months, I guess it turns out blogging is harder than i thought. I've really had zero time since i started packing and saying my goodbyes to lawrence. it is hard to blog, but even harder to say goodbye to my home of four years. lawrence, i will miss you.

i have truly been blessed by my community there. it all started with the rock-a-hawk, the freshmen event at ku that brought me, nicole, and gibson together for the first time. from there, i met half of the manhattan high school class of '05 (not really, but the coolest 20 or so), and subsequently became Honorary Manhattanite (i will never, ever let that title go - keith and jeff). turns out they were all looking for a campus ministry, too, and so we stumbled upon ichthus, a revolutionary (at least to my Presbyterian, pastor-kid's mind) House Church that was seeking freedom of the holy spirit and intentional relationships - life together. since then it has been a crazy ride together and apart at different times, with new faces and old. it's been hard at times, and easy at others. my heart's been the fullest of joy, and seeped with grief, too. and what's most amazing to me is that such a dynamic group, one that is full of transient students and travelers, people coming and going, can still feel like my solid family. i love you people, more than i can even begin to express.

Needless to say, it's been a hard transition away from that. I know it's only been three weeks, and friends will come in time, blah blah, but it has been hard to not be frustrated. Solely because of the fact that those relationships I am literally craving right now, are impossible to instantly satisfy. They will take time. and it has been hard to get connected at this church, because those small intimate group meet-ups that we are checking out right now are only happening once a week. houston is a much bigger city than lawrence, and i can't say communal dinners are a 4-day-a-week thing here (yet)!

So i want to say (even if it's cliche): relish your community of close friends around you. you are blessed.

And (for the record): i do have hope for myself and for katie; really for anyone that's lonely. God doesn't abandon.

And (from my spirit): i love you all in lawrence. i miss you, and miss daily life together. i don't know when life together will happen again for us, but i want to say thank you for that which we have shared already. and while i do daydream about the beauty of the lawrence hills, the ku campus, the downtown coffee shops and maybe even miss the colder weather when it comes around (doubtful), it is really you people that are my home.


i'll hopefully be blogging more often. just got to get used to it. pictures to come...

actually, this is an especially funny post because i haven't told anyone that this blog exists yet :D
mass email: soon!

love,
kate

work in progress

"everyday is the same," he says to me
i leisurely stroll till i find the perfect shade of a tree
i eat what i want and i drink what i drink
put quite simply - it's boring me

the caterpillar faces me again with a glistening eye
"but you," he says, "you men must know how to fly
you race with your cars and you speed through your day
there's so much to do, it's no work and all play

how does it feel to keep your feet off the ground?
it must be fun to never have to slow down