never done this before.

tonight, i got inspired. not really inspired, just inspired to get inspired. thanks to the world wide web, i enjoyed the beauty of the world, alone in my room at midnight - looked at pictures of some friends getting engaged; read the words of a friends who has spent much of her time in africa, and is so thankful for God's grace; listened to a story on npr about an indian man who loves to sing bob dylan songs; learned about sufjan steven's name; heard about the struggle of a musician in releasing a controversial album...and more, getting lost in the connections that are addictive.

in my short lifetime, i already feel i have lost some...things. i don't know what to call it - personality traits, neuroanatomical access, parts of self. i just remember 5th grade being part of the "creative class," the g/t kids that were marked by their imagination. i feel like my creativity has definitely been part of my academic success, i have worked hard, etc. but tonight i don't feel like it comes easy lately. i don't draw anymore, really anything except the occasional tree in my journal; i don't write poetry anymore, don't take the time; it's always been hard for me to write songs, too perfectionist; and i just haven't been creating much outside of academia for a long time. earlier this evening, i was soaked in 30 rock for a few hours out of laze - which is definitely a good kind of mindlessness, don't get me wrong :)

my point - creation is different when there is felt purpose in it. i write in my journal often, but it is such a private practice, that i wonder if my wondering will look differently here, solely because of the fact that it is available to others for their reading enjoyment. maybe i won't be so lazy in dreaming, in naming my dreams, my gifts, the gifts given to those around me. maybe i will develop the gift in expressing my true self, and knowing that more as beloved daughter. hope for authenticity.

so, i secretly saw the beauty of life tonight - through other people, but by myself. i feel the freedom and desire to create this blog, to try to create again. i think this is a good start for tonight.