grazie signore

[this is where i would say something about me not blogging for 6 months, if i cared about it anymore. but...i don't. just a place to offer when i have something to offer :)]

so, i find myself with a bit of free time these days. been without a full-time job for over three months, and while i have mostly been anxious [bc of money] and sad [because i love my career and want to be doing it full time!] about this fact, i think that being in this unexpected period of transition for the amount of time i've been in it has helped me accept and live into its blessings. thank God! for time to read and write and sing and move slow.

in fact, i have gotten so bold as to take on 5 books at one time. just finished the lion, the witch and the wardrobe again...love that story. i also still have bookmarks in the book of God (the bible in novel form - awesome!), st. augustine's confessions, all creatures great and small by herriot, and new seeds of contemplation by merton (solely becuase i refuse to read the last chapter...i am savoring that book as long as i can :).

i also just finally picked up the ragamuffin gospel by brennan manning. my friend sam has been telling me to read it since sophomore year of high school. i remember there was a book i kept telling him to read and we were going to switch, but now i can't quite remember what that was...oh well. so i am just now picking it up after noticing it on the shelf of some mission year folks' house in our community. so far it's been a beautiful, simple read through the good promises of God, that has been a bit disorganized for me at times, but i recently came to a chapter that just hit me so good. entitled "grazie, signore".

i think there are a lot of fine lines to address in this relationship and life with Christ. i am well-aware that so often i know something, or believe it with my head, in theory, but don't live out of that belief when it comes down to it.

one of these lines that seems so fuzzy at times is how i react and respond to God's grace. there are moments (not enough!) where i am drawn to my knees, so aware of my weakness and my need for help. and within those moments i am sad, and i am so sorry, and i am so grateful that i am loved anyways and that Good is still working in this world despite (and even still because of) what i do. and i begin dreaming of a life lived perfectly, dreaming of how beautiful and pleasing it might be if i could just get past these oh so prevalent deaths - dishonesty, or unfaithfulness, or disrespect, or whatever. i hope and pray and wish and want so badly to commit to a life where i am able to "get past" these things. if only i could just control myself in those moments!

the heart of these things is good and true and right, and we are often at work with God, with whom we are in a relationship. but the vision is still not in its fullest. God's grace on my life is exactly that - God's. and this response of dreaming about what i can do to "control myself" - it misses, though subtly, the point. instead of a desire to commi to trying to be kind to everyone i meet, or being faithful in prayer, or counting to five before i speak when i'm angry -- our response should begin with a commitment to constantly and faithfully accepting God's grace over our life. "The moment the focus of your life shifts from your badness to his goodness and the question becomes not 'what have i done?' but 'what can he do?' release from remorse can happen, miracle of miracles, you can forgive yourself because you are forgiven, accept yourself because you are accepted..." even while i am able to see and know this is most important, my response in its genuineness goes slightly awry...

manning's description of our response to Christ's unrelenting mercy includes 1) an unconventional decision (action to bring about the kingdom); 2) trust; and 3) heartfelt gratitude. today i am focused on trust:

"More pleasing to me than all your prayers, works and penances is that you would believe I love you."

God asks us to accept the abounding grace and love that God offers - that is key! when we do that fully, then we are free - to be taught how to act with wisdom, and to get caught up in what is truly essential; to trust the mercy and the will of a God who loves us before we have even desired it (out of the illusion we are lacking it); and to extend our gratitude to Jesus, through a "deep and delicate respect for one another" ("for insofar as you did this to one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it to me" - Matt 25:40).

i pray that this gospel of grace is what becomes most real to us each day...that we may seek to understand more than to be understood, to love more than to be loved, even to forgive more than to be forgiven. always with the confidence and assurance that God's unconditional love and mercy is there to accept.

and i hope you are doing well! peace friends